Want to Connect Better? Try Dan Arnold's Technique

Financial services is a highly analytical business, so human dynamics like vulnerability can be a low priority — much less be on our radar.

Vulnerability & Connection

Few of us are comfortable discussing our vulnerabilities and struggles, for fear of it being interpreted as incapable or weak. Our unwillingness or inability to be authentically vulnerable is a cause of disconnection with others.

Often, we work to appear the opposite — competent or overconfident — to make up for our perceived flaws to lessen the chance we'll be judged, according to Brené Brown, Ph.D., author and expert on social connection.

Through her extensive research, Brown discovered that individuals who are authentic, compassionate and courageous, all of which result from being vulnerable, are those with the strongest sense of connection.

In short, vulnerability must occur for meaningful connection to happen. Brown's TEDxHouston talk, "The Power of Vulnerability," is worth a quick listen.

The Human Connection

In her Harvard Business Review article, "What Bosses Gain by Being Vulnerable," Emma Seppälä, Ph.D., co-director of the Yale College Emotional Intelligence Project and faculty director of the Women's Leadership Program at the Yale School of Management, asserts, "Human connection is often dramatically missing from workplaces. Why is human connection missing at work?

"We want to convey an image of confidence, competence and authority," she explains. "We may disclose our vulnerability to a spouse or close friend behind closed doors at night but we would never show it elsewhere during the day, let alone at work."  

Seppälä continues, "While we may try to appear perfect, strong or intelligent in order to be respected by others, pretense often has the opposite effect intended. Just think of how uncomfortable you feel around someone you perceive as 'taking on airs' or 'putting on a show.'

"We tend to see right through them and feel less connected. Why do we feel more comfortable around someone who is authentic and vulnerable? Because we are particularly sensitive of trustworthiness in our leaders," Seppälä explains.

"Servant leadership, which is characterized by authenticity and values-based leadership, yields more positive and constructive behavior in employees and greater feelings of hope and trust in both the leader and the organization," she says.  

Less Engaged = Less Productive

Seppälä says that 70% of employees are "not engaged" or "actively disengaged" at work. As a consequence, they are "less emotionally connected" and "less likely to be productive."

To illustrate the flip side of this alarming statistic, she shares the story of Archana Patchirajan, founder of a technology startup. Patchirajan called in her entire staff for a meeting where she announced that she had to let them go because the startup had run out of funds.

Her staff of high-caliber engineers refused to go. They said they would rather work for 50% of their pay than leave her. They stayed on, worked hard and a few years later, Archana's company sold for $14 million.

Seppälä asked a long-standing employee what drove him and the rest of the team to stay with her and these were some of the responses:

• "We all work as a family because she treats us as such."
• "She knows everyone in the office and has a personal relationship with each one of us."
• "She does not get upset when we make mistakes but gives us the time to learn how to analyze and fix the situation."

Opening the door to your humble beginnings and learning experiences along the way can be tapped into as your superpower to greater connections in the advisory space, if you make the effort in a sincere manner.