The Worst Etiquette Mistake Advisors Can Make

It's easy to be gracious and at your best when everything is going smoothly. One of the real challenges to our courtesy is when we're dealing with difficult situations or when we don't know exactly what's expected of us. But taking those moments on and rising to the occasion is where the art of good etiquette can really serve you.

How so?

If you can talk to that client and be honest and forthright, and give them information that, even if it doesn't make them feel better, makes them better informed, it might be an opportunity to solidify or grow the relationship and build some trust. Let them have as much information from you as possible. That includes [what you convey with] the tone of your voice, the inflection that you speak with and your pacing.

In that scenario, is it okay for the advisor to alternatively respond to the client via email or text?

Using communication technology that introduces a little more distance, like texting or brief emails, to avoid having a conversation in these difficult situations is a seductive trap.

What do you mean by "more distance"?

The written word [itself] creates a bit more distance. Texting presents its own problems. It can feel very abbreviated, intrusive or inconclusive. There are limitations to communicating by texting that are greater than with emailing because it's even less formal.

What does it say about an advisor — or anyone — who routinely fails to return clients' phone calls or emails?

It says that the relationship isn't important to them. Communication is fundamentally important to good relationships, and every communication is an opportunity. You want to reply to a client — and timeliness is an imprint part of the message that you send. For email, don't wait more than a day. If you don't let them linger and try to answer them the same day, it's often appreciated.

Here's something irritating: People who talk loudly on their phones in an elevator. Is this considered bad etiquette?

The generally acknowledged courtesy around cell phones is that you don't subject a captive audience to your call. So it's on you to show some courtesy and control yourself.

What should an advisor keep in mind with regard to their internet presence?

Oftentimes, people meet you before you even walk through the door because they'll Google your name. How you appear in that online space has a real impact on how you do business. So know what your first page Google search result looks like. This isn't an exercise in vanity — it's like looking in the mirror before you go to an important client meeting.

What's the etiquette for social media, where many people are rude and argumentative?

If you participate in those media, what you do there is part of your reputation, personal brand and image. The traditional rules for conversation are useful for regulating what you do on social media: Talk about your interests and hobbies, for example. Avoid the more controversial topics. Don't share intimate details about your finances, personal health or family business.

This is basic — but, in general, how important is it to say, "Thank you"?

It's one of the most important things we can do. Genuine thanks and showing appreciation makes people feel good and tells them where we place value. Expressing gratitude is also important to [the thanker's] happiness because social science research shows that appreciation for good things is connected to our sense of [well-being]. So saying thank you raises the self-esteem that someone holds for you — and it also makes you feel better. That's the pleasant surprise.

What's the best response when someone thanks you?

One of the biggest small mistakes people make today is to minimize or deny someone's thanks by saying, "Oh, it was no problem." Or "It was no trouble." Or "No, no! Thank you!"

What should you say instead?

I want to bring back "You're welcome."

What's the most significant thing you learned from teaching the children's etiquette program with your mother Cindy Post for three years?

It's that the fundamental message we teach kids — use "magic words" [please, thank you, etc.], be honest, treat [others] with respect — is oftentimes the clearest, most useful message that I deliver to a business audience.