20 funny jokes for a work holiday party

An important interview question

Always self conscious about his lack of ears, whenever Bob would interview a future employee, he would ask him: "What do you notice that's different about me?" If the employee would mention his lack of ears (which often they did), it would be a for sure "no" for the job.

However, if the employee would mention something else, he would hire the guy. One year, at the holiday business party, Bob approached his most recent hire and asked him if he remembered the last question he had asked him when interviewing him for the job.

"Sure I do," was his reply. "You asked me what was different about you and I said that you were wearing contact lenses."

"Of all things to answer," Bob questioned curiously, "why was that the thing you noticed?"

"Well, to be honest, it was quite simple. How could you possibly be wearing glasses if you don't have any ears!" he replied.

(From GreatCleanJokes.com)

What's a shredder?

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

(From AlbertaVenture.com)

Do not include these in your résumé

These are from actual résumés:

• • "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

  • "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

  • "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

  • "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

  • "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

  • "Number of dependents: 40."

  • "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

Bloopers:

• • "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

Reasons for leaving the last job: 

• • "Responsibility makes me nervous."

  • "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

  • "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

  • "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

  • "The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers."

Job responsibilities: 

• • "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

  • "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

Special requests and job objectives: 

• • "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

  • "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

  • "I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant."

Physical disabilities: 

• • "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

Personal interests: 

• • "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

Small typos that can change the meaning: 

• • "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

  • "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

  • "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

  • "I'm a rabid typist."

  • "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

(From Tensionnot.com)

It's all about that turkey

Question: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

Answer: The turkey because he's already stuffed!

(From GreatCleanJokes.com)

Great succession planning…

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day, the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the road, there is major drama in the office and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says, "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" He starts to reorganize and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says, "Prepare three envelopes."

(From AlbertaVenture.com)

Management quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life, Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'" (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. "One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!'" (Hallmark Cards executive)

(From Tensionnot.com)

Scarecrow got more than just a brain!

Question: Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

Answer: He was outstanding in his field.

(From GreatCleanJokes.com)

Getting up on time

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So, Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and, in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

(From Tensionnot.com)

The Dow Jones Industrial Average…

Question: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?

Answer: They'll add an 'N' to the end of it!

(From GreatCleanJokes.com)

Top interview questions:

The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong answer!

Correct answer:

Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer:

The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct answer:

You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

(From Tensionnot.com)

See also:

21 best sales jokes of all time

7 more great accountant jokes

32 great insurance jokes