"Part of women's lack of confidence is genetic, the way our brains are wired," journalist Katty Kay told us. "Part of it is the way we're raised. But a lot of it is what we do to ourselves—and that's something we can change." In "The Confidence Code," Kay and co-author Claire Shipman help readers understand the elusive quality of confidence and learn how to bring more of it into their lives. Among their suggestions:
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Don't keep tinkering with things to make them perfect. It's often better to make a decision with the available information so you can keep moving forward. Sometimes you may be wrong, but by "failing fast," you'll cut the time spent going down blind alleys.
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Get outside your comfort zone. Try something you thought you'd never be good at: public speaking, coaching kids' soccer, understanding Keynesian economics. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
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Be willing to be different. Women often try too hard to please everyone. Michael Nannes, chairman of national law firm Dickstein Shapiro, advised that a woman in the midst of a male-dominated conversation should "speak with authority" and "make a point of having a different point of view."
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Don't automatically blame yourself for setbacks. "Internal attribution" of blame can keep you stewing endlessly over a mishap. "External attribution," favored by most men, shifts more of the responsibility to forces beyond your control, allowing you to let go and move on.
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Take credit for what you've achieved. Instead of modestly brushing off a compliment, accept it and let it give you confidence for the next step.
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Handle criticism by mentally converting it to a comment you can use. For example, you could respond to a negative comment that your presentation went on too long by saying, "Thank you. Next time I won't try to cover so many bases at once."
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Kill negative automatic thoughts. Kay and Shipman suggest swatting this crippling self-talk ("I'm not valuable enough for the boss to give me a raise") by writing it down as it occurs, then throwing the paper away.
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Shy about putting yourself forward? Think "we" instead of "me." This can work well for women who hate to deliver a talk or even speak up in a meeting. Envision yourself as the representative of your entire team or a group of people like yourself, and speak on their behalf.
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Keep your bosses posted on your achievements. It's very possible that they're too busy to notice the terrific job you're doing. If you want a raise or more responsibility, step up and make the case for it. Nobody else will toot your horn if you don't.
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Banish "upspeak." That's when you talk like this? Because you don't want to offend or antagonize anyone? The late Christopher Peterson, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan, used to tell students, "Say it with confidence, because if you don't sound confident, why will anyone believe what you say?"
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Accept that you aren't perfect. It's exhausting—and impossible—to pretend to be infallible. But take care not to put down your own abilities ("I'm so disorganized" or "Oh, somehow I scraped my way through Yale.").
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Be yourself. Trust your instincts. Use your innate ability to build connections and consensus, but don't be intimidated out of something you believe in.
As Shipman and Kay conclude: "Think less. Take action. Be authentic."
