And the Pass Is Incomplete

I would suggest that the father plan to meet with each of the three children to explain why he feels strongly about not passing on substantial wealth. He should be prepared to make himself vulnerable in sharing his emotions, and allow as much time as each session takes. Encourage him to be sensitive to each child's feelings about their relationship. Does the daughter who accepts his plan feel more loved and supported than the other two?

Your client also needs to take ample time to let each of the discontented children explain the reasons for their unhappiness. Do they see a large inheritance as an expression of his approval or his love and support, which now would be denied them? Perhaps he can find a better way to support these two than to shower a large sum of money on them.

After these one-on-one discussions, it might make sense for you to meet with the whole group (including the children's mother, if she is still in the picture). You might consider collaborating with a family therapist if you anticipate further conflict.

Before this meeting, and perhaps even before your client meets with each child, you might urge him to write or record an ethical will. In this enduring message, he can share his life lessons, his blessings and desires for his children, and his philosophy of wealth and financial legacy.
 
Q: My client, a Singapore-born entrepreneur now in his 60s, recently sold his business for several million dollars. When we discussed updating his will to distribute this wealth, he shocked me by saying that he no longer wants to divide his estate equally between his twin children. He has decided that the boy should inherit twice as much as the girl, based on evidence that women have brighter economic prospects and are more likely to be economically supported by a spouse. As a woman, I feel especially sensitive to the unfairness of his decision. How can I get him to think this through more carefully before changing his will?

A: I should disclose my own bias upfront: I believe leaving different amounts to siblings, no matter what the reason, has the potential to thrust them into a war zone charged with feelings of hurt, anger, guilt, greed and betrayal.

As a woman, I'm also aware that despite the recent gains women have made in education and the workplace, we have been seen for centuries as less competent, less valuable and less important than men. I think your client's proposed decision risks stirring up these age-old memories for his daughter.
To complicate the picture, I am also a firm believer in advisors helping clients to reach their own conclusions, not in telling them what you think they should do.

With all that in mind, I would suggest telling your client something like this: "Changing your will in this way could result in unforeseen emotional or psychological consequences for both your children. Treating twins differently, when they often feel so deeply connected, can also be a risky strategy. Would you be willing to try a simple exercise to help clarify what the effects might be?"

Assuming he agrees, try a role-playing exercise where you play the father while he plays first one child, then the other, responding to the possibility of this change. If it sounds like he's in denial about the risks of his plan and is sugar-coating their imagined reactions, you can switch roles and play the siblings yourself. Make notes of the potential problems and benefits of this lopsided legacy that surface during and after this process.

If your client still feels committed to his plan, ask him to consider one final step before he sees his attorney: telling each of his children what he is thinking of doing. The danger is that if his daughter is susceptible to feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved or not valued, simply broaching the possibility of an unequal inheritance might create a rift even if her father later abandons his plan. For this reason, I think it would be best for him to start with his son. If the boy is uncomfortable with the idea, your client may decide to jettison it without needing to upset his daughter.

When families come together over wealth transfer and legacy, pent-up emotions—needs, hurts, fears and angers—can spill over. With the support of your own sensitivity and expertise, assisted as needed by therapists or counselors, you will be able to help more families heal and prosper.