Time to Start Talking

If clients have maxxed out their employee retirement contribution, Grande recommends that they start saving in non-qualified accounts so that if they do have to tap them, they won't take a tax hit.

If a client has an elderly parent, Grande tries to find out whether he or she has any special needs. In that event, Grande relies on partnerships she has developed with eldercare attorneys, geriatric care managers and, most recently, with a woman who processes Medicaid applications.

"A lot of advisors are dealing with this now but it's going to become a larger part of their practice," Grande says. "Planners are really going to have to take a serious look at this."

Cohen agrees.

"This conversation may not be taking place in the financial planner's office, but it really should. You're supposed to think about the household, not just the individual. You're supposed to think about the complete situation," he says. "It's also a perfect way for financial planners to be able to broaden their reach, increase their fee-generating income and cement a relationship that has a greater chance of surviving a fatal event. By expanding into other relationships and responsibilities, there's great potential for creating ongoing relationships for [multiple] generations." Conversation StartersOne of the toughest challenges involves getting aging parents to open up to their boomer children about their finances and other sensitive subjects.

The issue has gained such traction that Home Instead Senior Care, an international in-home care provider, recently launched a public education campaign called the 40-70 Rule. The concept: If you are 40 and your parents are 70, it's time to start the conversation.

An academic researcher who has studied attitudes about aging, University of Arizona communications professor Jake Harwood has worked with the 40-70 campaign on communication tips.

His best advice: Talk sooner, rather than later, when a crisis has occurred. Forget the baby talk — don't patronize. It will only put the older adult on the defensive and convey a lack of respect. Maximize independence. Always try to move toward solutions that provide the most independence for the aging parent.

"The big problem is not starting the discussion," he says. "You've just got to say it, even if it's a difficult topic to talk about and money is a difficult one — others like transitioning out of a private residence to a nursing home, even more so. You just have to bite the bullet."

Harwood says it can be helpful to frame the discussion in terms of grandchildren. "That's a topic grandparents will respond to positively and the middle generation may be more comfortable talking to their parents about planning for their grandchildren's college education." The opener: Mom and Dad, are you interested in participating in those discussions? "Then you can raise other issues as part of a broader discussion," he notes.

Kirchenbauer, who has $52 million in assets under management, says advisors are increasingly becoming involved in the process.

"We would be less than completely responsible if we don't ask about the parents and sometimes it's a quick conversation. How old are they? How are they doing financially? But many times you get this answer: 'I'm not really sure, but they seem OK.' That's not a good enough answer. That's a landmine," she says. "We've got to be there to be the patient coach to help clients have that very tough conversation. They are still the kid in most parents' minds. You have to spend time coaching them on how to bring it up in the right way that doesn't sound like they are poking their nose into something they shouldn't."

Kirchenbauer says hers is a two-part process. First, she wants clients to understand that the information they're seeking from parents could be critical to their own financial independence. Next, she helps the client figure out how to bring up a conversation about assets, estate planning and income in a low-key way.

She even invites clients to use her as a scapegoat.

Under one scenario, a client might say: We've been working on our financial planning and our retirement and my financial advisor was just asking me how you're doing. Have you updated your documents recently? Do you have a will? Does it reflect your wishes?

"The ones where there's been absolutely no conversation about money, or when it's a real controlling situation, those can be hard," Kirchenbauer says. "For the parents, they can feel a little defensive: Why is my child asking me about my money? You get a little pushback. For others, it opens up a wonderful dialogue on key things like estate planning, how well their portfolio is diversified, long-term care. When we're lucky, we've had a number of clients who have had good positive conversations. But, honestly, it doesn't always work out that way."

At the moment, Kirchenbauer is working with two couples with kids who are about to take on aging parents as well. "I'm trying to get ahead of it early," she says. She is also working with a boomer client's mother — trying to preserve her funds so that she doesn't become financially dependent upon her daughter down the road. "There are all kinds of emotional issues with this one," she adds. "But I have to be able to navigate them because of the financial issues."

Kirchenbauer herself is a case in point.

She is 45 and her husband, nine years older, is a high school band director who will retire next year at 55. The couple has a 12-year-old and twins who are six. Kirchenbauer's mother, 65, is a recent retiree.

When Kirchenbauer retires, her mother will be approaching 80 as will a sister-in-law she anticipates helping to support.

"I'm thinking this traditional retirement idea is not even going to work for me. We need to be thinking now about what we're going to do differently in the next 15 to 20 years. We're living it, but we're still navigating through it," she says. "I don't have the answers yet."

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Freelance writer Ellen Uzelac is based in Chestertown, Md.; the former West Coast bureau chief and national correspondent for The Baltimore Sun, can be reached at [email protected].