Blindsided

After the son of my widowed client joined the Peace Corps in Central America, he came upon a child who needed extensive medical care. To make a long story short, he arranged for the child to fly to the States and have surgery, with all the bills sent to my client. She is raging because she never gave permission for this. At the same time, she feels guilty for begrudging the cost of healing a child. She can afford to pay these bills, but not without sacrifice. Should she pay them? How should I advise her? Your client must feel betrayed and controlled by her son's outrageous presumption, but as you say, she is reluctant to object to such a humane use of the funds. For clues to help guide her, ask about her family history. Has she struggled with this son (or someone else) in a conflict between altruism and self-interest? Is he imposing these bills on her to force her to deal with this conflict?

I would also explore with her the potential impact of the choices she can make. How would she feel later on if she paid for these expenses? How would she feel if she refused? Can she live with what might happen to her son and the child's family if she does decline to pay the bills?

If she pays up despite her feelings of betrayal and anger, you can help her let go of her ambivalence in two ways. First, suggest that she meet with her son (perhaps facilitated by a counselor) to discuss how she feels about what happened, and to mandate that he never do this again upon pain of some dire penalty. She may also want to tell him that this amount of money is being deducted from his future inheritance. If he accepts this willingly, perhaps she can even come to the point of accepting and celebrating his values.

On the other hand, if she decides to refuse payment for the treatment expenses, you might help her consider ways her son can come up with the money himself. Try to discourage her from taking the position that "He tried to steal from me, so let him deal with it." Although her anger is understandable, she could create a rift with her son that she may later come to regret.

A client of mine was the leading contender for presidency of his firm, but he's just learned that he was passed over. In expectation of the promotion, he'd bought a vacation home and new cars for himself and his wife, and enrolled his kids in private schools. Now he's not only seriously in debt but emotionally embarrassed. Any advice? Most men in our culture find nothing more humiliating than having their competence challenged or their work identity threatened.

Your client may express his disappointment in either of two ways: by feeling like a failure, or by reacting with outrage to his company's obviously "wrong" decision. If you're willing to hear him vent his frustration, humiliation, sadness, or anger, you'll probably help him move faster to a more rational view of the situation.

It's not going to be much fun selling the vacation home or putting the kids back in public school. But while you work with him on making tough decisions like these, try to help him identify alternatives that may lead to deeper nourishment and fulfillment. For example, a family cycling or hiking trip may promote bonding better than a weekend at a vacation home. Volunteering to be a literacy mentor could be more educational than attending St. Somebody's Academy.

It will probably take extensive time and effort to get your client and his wife on board with downsizing their lifestyle. But once people begin making decisions that lead to a calmer and happier life, they usually see that money and position can't buy these things after all.

Despite my repeated urging to diversify, a client loaded up his portfolio with stock of a company where his father once worked. The company just went bankrupt, and he's devastated. I'm trying to pick up the financial pieces, but how can I help him get over the emotional trauma? Start by taking a big step back. Ask him to tell you about the legacy he received from his father. Why did he feel so strongly that he wanted to invest in the company his dad worked for? If you can validate any part of this desire, he may feel less ashamed of his decision not to diversify.

This client may be a candidate for therapy to help him mourn his loss and separate his future from his father's past. But even if he resists consulting a therapist, you can assist him by creating a climate where he can talk about his choice, what motivated it, how he feels about it, and what he's learned. In this way you'll help him feel calmer, and hopefully safe enough to begin strategizing about how to restore his financial security.

When clients are blindsided by change, loss, or trauma, remember that it usually kicks them into their primitive survival mode, which is always dysfunctional. Listen patiently as they vent their painful feelings. If you're uncomfortable in this role, refer them to a therapist, counselor, or coach.

Once they either come back to you or air enough of their wounded feelings with you, you will have helped create a space to brainstorm, analyze different possibilities, and try out promising options. By emphasizing their strengths instead of their weaknesses, you will also aid the healing process and encourage them to move toward making productive plans.

Olivia Mellan, a speaker, coach, and business consultant, is the author with Sherry Christie of The Advisor's Guide to Money Psychology, available through www.investmentadvisor.com. You can e-mail Olivia at [email protected].