Advisors who work with middle-age or older couples need to be mindful that one day they may well be working with the surviving spouse. It would serve them well to put themselves in the survivor's shoes if possible, and to realize that the most innocuous, well-meaning comment can grate on a newly minted widow or widower. Depending how raw the wound is, such comments can lead the widow to think, "This person is a jerk," "man, they don't get it" and "I'm outta here," as opposed to "I'm in good hands."
Things Not to Say to a Widow
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Have a nice day.
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From a widow's perspective: "I told you my husband recently died. Do you really think I'm having a nice day?"
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He's in a better place.
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You really think so?
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Honey, I'll take care of you.
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How condescending can you get? I don't need you to take care of me. I need you to take care of my money and educate me.
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Trust me.
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Every alarm in my head goes off.
People in general, although well-meaning, don't understand how trite and superficial remarks such as these can be. It can set the tone of the relationship or lack thereof.
More Mistakes to Avoid
Often, it's not the words that are said but the business-as-usual attitude that is also grating. The broker has incorrectly planned for an hour meeting and wants to move things along. Surviving spouses, especially those that did not handle the money — be they men or women — need more time. What may normally take one appointment can often take two or three.
The surviving spouse may be totally ignorant of what they own, where it's held, or even what they're looking for. And once they find the papers, they may be at a complete loss as to what to do with them. What may seem simple and logical to the broker or their staff is meaningless to the spouse. Brokers tend to forget that the language of finance is intimidating and bewildering to the average layman. Add a layer of self-doubt and confusion to the mix and the poor client is befuddled. No wonder they don't know what to do or who to trust.
The professional has lost sight of the fact that the survivor has lost the person they used to process this kind of information with.
